Tonight as I sit writing this my little mr is up in the loft above my head scripting away, he is usual sound to sleep by 7:05 on the dot but the last few nights hes been awake. As a mom of a kiddo with autism I have to work hard to remind myself that he did not choose this life either. In some ways we are blessed but in others we are significantly challenged. I try hard to focus on our successes but things can unravel quickly especially if we haven’t slept. Today failure loomed over me like a dark cloud. My patience worn thin I found myself hiding in the bathroom as I felt as though I would loose my mind. Though Noah still struggles with personal space he wont come into the bathroom with me as he fears it might stink. Noahs new obsession is Sonic the Hedge hog…I heard this name so many times in the last few weeks I cringed as I typed it. He thinks about Sonic so much that he its effecting the quality of his life . He scripts the lines from Sonic video’s nonstop and tries to intergrade the topic in to every conversation, he is up all hours of the night stuck on Sonic. The tapping my face, him clutching my face with his hands desperate for me to listen to him tell me “just one more thing about Sonic” just about sent me over the edge today, after weeks of this I just didn’t feel I could take anymore. One time I even snapped at him “NOAH JUST STOP ALREADY BUDDY” . Tears rolled down his face, he was heart broken… Tonight as he fights sleep he begs me to let him come sleep with me….I know he’s stressed, being obsessed is stressful for him… but I jut need a little bit of time to recover. At times its a careful balance of taking care of his needs while finding a little time for mine as well…Today I failed as so often parents of kiddos on the spectrum feel they do. I could only give enough to get through the day… but we survived. Tomorrow maybe we will do better, or maybe we wont.. but we will do it. ❤
Its easy to understand what connects people, similar interests, goals ,work , faith just to name a few but what bonds two or more people in such a way that they are willing to hunker down and do the messy, the tears, the temper tantrums, the stuff that the outside world doesn’t know about and most of us would never talk freely about. You do and say things you never thought you would or could never do both good and bad. Its a confusing world we live in. A world were everything is excepted but no ones suppose to see it, were its okay to have mental illness until there are symptoms . A world where we hold in high esteem those who powered through and survived barriers ranging from extreme poverty to Autism awareness, we proudly post it on our Facebook walls and then think somehow that is the existent of our…
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Mowing the lawn, getting our work done, doing dishes deciding what’s for dinner… what will we watch a movie on Netflix tonight ? Hiking this weekend ? Googleing kitchen cabinet ideas, gardening …the things of life. The busy things we do living in our own little orbs, we usually share these tiny worlds with a select few. There are only a handful of people in each of our lives that “really” know us. If we stay in our little orbs we can keep up the charade for how our lives appear…others walking by take a glimpse, peering into our pretty that we adorn our little orbs with but if they were to actually climb in with us what would they find ?
Few of us have the desire to share their tiny worlds with others, I’m mean what would they think of us if they found out ? We are convinced that our little worlds are so much different then others. We dress up or dress down, we smile when we are sad, we hide our excitement, our prosperity or our failures. There is always something to hide. But what if we didn’t what would we find ? I’m here to do my best to invite you into my orb. Why ? Because somewhere deep in me I think that all this work, failures and joy that we experience in this beautiful imperfect tiny house may somehow give someone else the inspiration to allow their life to touch another’s , that they too will be able to make their orb just a little bit bigger… that our lives good and bad, struggles and triumphs may make a difference not just for ourselves but may educate and inspire.
In our tiny world today we did the mundane. Mowed the lawn, worked, did dishes. made meals ect. But unlike most we also had support staff in our home working with Noah through ABA (applied behavior analysis). They were in our orb, front row to our mess. They are here several days a week for several hours a day. Most of me is thankful for the support but that’s not to say its comfortable all the time for us or for them. Sometimes I just watch them work with my lil mr , watch him learn and grow, other times I’m afraid that these other human beings might just loose it with Noah as they are human and it is a hard job. Then are those times when we loose a staff and I see my little guys heart break..sometimes I miss them to. This little orb gets bigger and smaller as the day passes. Today was a watching day, I watched as one staff worked with another staff to train them in Noahs treatment plan. Hes not comfortable with new staff so he spun and banged gliding across our tiny house floor on his toes, one hand in his mouth the other clutching his squishy. He will be 7 soon and here we are… yes hes come a long way, I am so proud of him. Most times I honestly believe he will grow up, go to collage, get married and have a family of his own someday…but today in gut I didn’t see it. He looked so little, his chubby little cheeks covered in his dinner mixed with tears… today he was a toddler stopping his feet in nothing but his backward underwear. This was my orb today.I wish I had the words to express how my heart felt…I just don’t . It may be different tomorrow.. I may feel different tomorrow, at least I hope so any way. I’m going to sign off from here and make a concerted effort to find the things I am thankful for, talk to God and get some sleep. I might even google some DIY videos for some projects I would like to start on our tinyhouse to share with you all. Stay beautiful in your orb tonight and even if its messy share it…ours is to 🙂 Good Night All.
When life kicks you down GET A ROPE AND CLIMB BACK UP !! I mean really, what else do you have to do ?? HEY EVERYONE !! Good to be back ! Haven’t been around in a few months, It appears I may have fallen and gotten my head stuck up my @#%$. Yes, yes, yes I have been on a big fat ole pity party. I’ve been MAD MAD and I will say it again MAD ! I could rattle on and on about all the horrible things that have happened the last few months but what purpose would that serve ?? I’m sure I will have a more sentimental day at some point and tell you all about it but this is NOT the day. Today is a day of getting back up. If you really really need to know feel free to invite me for coffee and be ready for some hugging and tears , until then you will just have to stick around until I muster up the strength to tell it all on here. Now back to getting UP. First of all I’m not here entirely of my own volition, someone threw me a life line. They reminded me that regardless of my present circumstances God has a bigger plan, he’s working things out even when we don’t see it. So while I was feeling alone, isolated and not good enough he was still at work inspiring people to pray for us and to reach out to us. I’m sure more than I even know. No I’m not 100% right now and I’m still not feeling the joy that I long for, but I am on my way. After all feelings come and go right ? We can’t be blown around by the fickledness (I know not a word) of feelings, feel them yes but be dictated by them and well, you might be in for some trouble. Just since writing this I have had some feelings I didn’t act on as Josiah (if you haven’t met Josiah be sure to check out his interviewed ,he’s a cool dude) has been in my face howling at the top off his lungs, when I say in my face I mean literally inches from my nose. He is tenacious at minimum. Then Noahs up in the loft perseverating on Sonic the hedge hog, its been the nonstop topic for the last week and a half, if you have a asd kiddo you know that I am ready to pull my stinking hair out BUT I did not act on that feeling either !!
So the reason I’m writing this is I’M NOT GIVING UP ! Not throwing in the towel, not walking away. Why ? Because I know there are other people out there going through as much or more than I. I know there are other families out there that have kiddos on the spectrum or with special needs. There are single parents who don’t know where the bill money is coming from. We have to stick together right !? I wanted to come on here tonight because I know that someone somewhere needs to know that even though its hard your still trying and I’m proud of you ! We wont give up together ! There is a tiny house movement that I want to help fuel. Teaching people the facts about those of us who live in or have experienced poverty is vital and I want to be apart of that. I want to build a tiny house community a place where those who live there can experience home ownership. I want to make a map for others to follow as I do it myself but I can’t do it alone,,,maybe that is what God was trying to teach me the last several months… maybe sometime my independence is my weakness. We need each other as a community and a race, for richer or for poorer, we need each other.
Thank you for stopping by all, its good to be back. I look forward to hearing from you all 🙂
Sitting here snug in this tiny house in Maine, the temperature outside is -1 degree, inside an easy 70. This place super easy to heat and right now I am feeling very thankful for that. Everything is not ideal but really is it ever for anyone? The forecast for this weekend predicts a whopper of a storm with a possibility of 20 or more inches of snow ! This will be the big test for this tiny house and for our endurance here. I heat with a electric fire place and I’m really thinking we might be in trouble if the power goes out. I think that might be the case for a lot of people not just us. With this in mind I’ve been thinking of alternative heat sources. I’m not really crazy about heating with gas in such a small space, wood isn’t a good option either as Noah has asthma. A heat pump or pellet stove would still leave us without heat if there was a power outage. At minimum I do see a generator in our future. Watching the monster storm on the horizon knowing that my little mr is completely depending on me to keep him safe and warm is a little unnerving. The last several weeks have me a little unnerved, being out of work with this shoulder injury has taken a toll on my finances and my personal endurance, the lack of sleep, the pain is wearing on me. I just keep taking one step at a time and thinking of the blessing in the here and now, so far its is working. God has a way of putting just the right people in my life at just the right time, this time is no different. Though we have and will continue to face challenges we have also been gifted so much joy, adventures and beauty in the last few weeks. If I were to just sit here and keep my eyes, my heart looking up I would be so much more confident in HIS ability to provide for us, he always does. If I could just keep looking up I could let go of this fear because I know he has never let us down. I find proof in what I see… let me share with you my hope.
This is what keeps things in perspective, these moments in time that we would just miss if we spend our time not believing in miracles. These are the miracles, this is what I am working for, these very moments. They are here inspite of hardship, the lesson is to see them, stay in them, not to miss them worrying.
Feeling small in this tiny house, feeling unsure, antsy with so many things unfinished in my life but feeling powerless to finish them. This shoulder injury is really got a hold on me, my first instinct is to push through it but that is what got me here in this position to begin with. So I’m here, trying to heal, trying to be patient and listen to God in this place. I’m trying to be understanding and forgiving. I’m looking hard for the gifts in this. Lack of sleep has made it even fuzzier. I pray and pray. Pray that somehow God will touch my lips and help the words that I speak be understood. Misunderstandings, misinterpretations seem to run amuck in times of adversity. Humaning in this Tiny house, there is no place to hide. Time to walk the talk and do it anyway. Inspite of this we are still here, though I’m not sure where my house payment and bill money will come from next month as I am unable to work, we have it this month. We are still loved, we still had a beautiful Christmas with family and friends. I haven’t failed, not yet anyway. I really just wanted to stop by and let you all know that I am thinking of you and miss you all. Please don’t give up on Tiny House On The Spectrum, we are still here fighting for the dream. I will be back to blogging daily as before hopefully soon. Until then I will post when I am able. Thank you ALL
Good Night Folks
Sitting on my front porch I can almost feel what Vincent van Gogh felt when he imagined Starry Night . It must have been a cold night for the sky to be that particular Deep color blue. The moon dangling in the sky like a giant dense egg yolk. When you breathe out your breath swirls around your head and up into the air and dances in the sky just like Van Gogh described in his painting. Hit me like a ton of bricks just sitting here with my feet kicked up on the railing staring at the sky snuggled in my blanket exactly what he felt or at least what I hope he felt . Sitting on this porch thankful for this tiny house on the Spectrum I could have never imagined we would be here, when just a few short years ago I was lying in the bottom of a bunk bed in a women’s shelter, with my son terrified of where life would bring us it felt so scary and hopeless. It’s been a lot of hard work getting here . As I sit on this porch faced with another hurdle part of me is screaming “ I can’t do this anymore” “ I give up” but the other part of me saying “ look what God did, he brought us from a homeless shelter to here ! What is his plan for this??? Overall I’ve been a good steward of the money he’s given me and spent wisely but still with this shoulder injury even a few weeks down could blow us out of the water. I’m going to keep my head up and my nose to the ground. I’m going to try to stay focused on the things that I can do and do them. I can still blog, I have voice to text. There’s a lot I can still do, it’s just time to change gears. Maybe its time to explore new avenues into making this tiny house community a reality. Up until now the work and miracles God has done in my life has been between him and I and very few others but now it will be between him and I and all of you. I think it’s okay to feel scared, it’s okay to feel worried but more importantly even in that to dig in, rely my faith so you all can be witness to what he can do. So stick around and watch, and I will to !
Good Night Folks