Tonight as I sit writing this my little mr is up in the loft above my head scripting away, he is usual sound to sleep by 7:05 on the dot but the last few nights hes been awake. As a mom of a kiddo with autism I have to work hard to remind myself that he did not choose this life either. In some ways we are blessed but in others we are significantly challenged. I try hard to focus on our successes but things can unravel quickly especially if we haven’t slept. Today failure loomed over me like a dark cloud. My patience worn thin I found myself hiding in the bathroom as I felt as though I would loose my mind. Though Noah still struggles with personal space he wont come into the bathroom with me as he fears it might stink. Noahs new obsession is Sonic the Hedge hog…I heard this name so many times in the last few weeks I cringed as I typed it. He thinks about Sonic so much that he its effecting the quality of his life . He scripts the lines from Sonic video’s nonstop and tries to intergrade the topic in to every conversation, he is up all hours of the night stuck on Sonic. The tapping my face, him clutching my face with his hands desperate for me to listen to him tell me “just one more thing about Sonic” just about sent me over the edge today, after weeks of this I just didn’t feel I could take anymore. One time I even snapped at him “NOAH JUST STOP ALREADY BUDDY” . Tears rolled down his face, he was heart broken… Tonight as he fights sleep he begs me to let him come sleep with me….I know he’s stressed, being obsessed is stressful for him… but I jut need a little bit of time to recover. At times its a careful balance of taking care of his needs while finding a little time for mine as well…Today I failed as so often parents of kiddos on the spectrum feel they do. I could only give enough to get through the day… but we survived. Tomorrow maybe we will do better, or maybe we wont.. but we will do it. ❤
Its easy to understand what connects people, similar interests, goals ,work , faith just to name a few but what bonds two or more people in such a way that they are willing to hunker down and do the messy, the tears, the temper tantrums, the stuff that the outside world doesn’t know about and most of us would never talk freely about. You do and say things you never thought you would or could never do both good and bad. Its a confusing world we live in. A world were everything is excepted but no ones suppose to see it, were its okay to have mental illness until there are symptoms . A world where we hold in high esteem those who powered through and survived barriers ranging from extreme poverty to Autism awareness, we proudly post it on our Facebook walls and then think somehow that is the existent of our…
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Mowing the lawn, getting our work done, doing dishes deciding what’s for dinner… what will we watch a movie on Netflix tonight ? Hiking this weekend ? Googleing kitchen cabinet ideas, gardening …the things of life. The busy things we do living in our own little orbs, we usually share these tiny worlds with a select few. There are only a handful of people in each of our lives that “really” know us. If we stay in our little orbs we can keep up the charade for how our lives appear…others walking by take a glimpse, peering into our pretty that we adorn our little orbs with but if they were to actually climb in with us what would they find ?
Few of us have the desire to share their tiny worlds with others, I’m mean what would they think of us if they found out ? We are convinced that our little worlds are so much different then others. We dress up or dress down, we smile when we are sad, we hide our excitement, our prosperity or our failures. There is always something to hide. But what if we didn’t what would we find ? I’m here to do my best to invite you into my orb. Why ? Because somewhere deep in me I think that all this work, failures and joy that we experience in this beautiful imperfect tiny house may somehow give someone else the inspiration to allow their life to touch another’s , that they too will be able to make their orb just a little bit bigger… that our lives good and bad, struggles and triumphs may make a difference not just for ourselves but may educate and inspire.
In our tiny world today we did the mundane. Mowed the lawn, worked, did dishes. made meals ect. But unlike most we also had support staff in our home working with Noah through ABA (applied behavior analysis). They were in our orb, front row to our mess. They are here several days a week for several hours a day. Most of me is thankful for the support but that’s not to say its comfortable all the time for us or for them. Sometimes I just watch them work with my lil mr , watch him learn and grow, other times I’m afraid that these other human beings might just loose it with Noah as they are human and it is a hard job. Then are those times when we loose a staff and I see my little guys heart break..sometimes I miss them to. This little orb gets bigger and smaller as the day passes. Today was a watching day, I watched as one staff worked with another staff to train them in Noahs treatment plan. Hes not comfortable with new staff so he spun and banged gliding across our tiny house floor on his toes, one hand in his mouth the other clutching his squishy. He will be 7 soon and here we are… yes hes come a long way, I am so proud of him. Most times I honestly believe he will grow up, go to collage, get married and have a family of his own someday…but today in gut I didn’t see it. He looked so little, his chubby little cheeks covered in his dinner mixed with tears… today he was a toddler stopping his feet in nothing but his backward underwear. This was my orb today.I wish I had the words to express how my heart felt…I just don’t . It may be different tomorrow.. I may feel different tomorrow, at least I hope so any way. I’m going to sign off from here and make a concerted effort to find the things I am thankful for, talk to God and get some sleep. I might even google some DIY videos for some projects I would like to start on our tinyhouse to share with you all. Stay beautiful in your orb tonight and even if its messy share it…ours is to 🙂 Good Night All.
When life kicks you down GET A ROPE AND CLIMB BACK UP !! I mean really, what else do you have to do ?? HEY EVERYONE !! Good to be back ! Haven’t been around in a few months, It appears I may have fallen and gotten my head stuck up my @#%$. Yes, yes, yes I have been on a big fat ole pity party. I’ve been MAD MAD and I will say it again MAD ! I could rattle on and on about all the horrible things that have happened the last few months but what purpose would that serve ?? I’m sure I will have a more sentimental day at some point and tell you all about it but this is NOT the day. Today is a day of getting back up. If you really really need to know feel free to invite me for coffee and be ready for some hugging and tears , until then you will just have to stick around until I muster up the strength to tell it all on here. Now back to getting UP. First of all I’m not here entirely of my own volition, someone threw me a life line. They reminded me that regardless of my present circumstances God has a bigger plan, he’s working things out even when we don’t see it. So while I was feeling alone, isolated and not good enough he was still at work inspiring people to pray for us and to reach out to us. I’m sure more than I even know. No I’m not 100% right now and I’m still not feeling the joy that I long for, but I am on my way. After all feelings come and go right ? We can’t be blown around by the fickledness (I know not a word) of feelings, feel them yes but be dictated by them and well, you might be in for some trouble. Just since writing this I have had some feelings I didn’t act on as Josiah (if you haven’t met Josiah be sure to check out his interviewed ,he’s a cool dude) has been in my face howling at the top off his lungs, when I say in my face I mean literally inches from my nose. He is tenacious at minimum. Then Noahs up in the loft perseverating on Sonic the hedge hog, its been the nonstop topic for the last week and a half, if you have a asd kiddo you know that I am ready to pull my stinking hair out BUT I did not act on that feeling either !!
So the reason I’m writing this is I’M NOT GIVING UP ! Not throwing in the towel, not walking away. Why ? Because I know there are other people out there going through as much or more than I. I know there are other families out there that have kiddos on the spectrum or with special needs. There are single parents who don’t know where the bill money is coming from. We have to stick together right !? I wanted to come on here tonight because I know that someone somewhere needs to know that even though its hard your still trying and I’m proud of you ! We wont give up together ! There is a tiny house movement that I want to help fuel. Teaching people the facts about those of us who live in or have experienced poverty is vital and I want to be apart of that. I want to build a tiny house community a place where those who live there can experience home ownership. I want to make a map for others to follow as I do it myself but I can’t do it alone,,,maybe that is what God was trying to teach me the last several months… maybe sometime my independence is my weakness. We need each other as a community and a race, for richer or for poorer, we need each other.
Thank you for stopping by all, its good to be back. I look forward to hearing from you all 🙂
I meet older people everyday and I often ask myself “I wonder how they got where they are “or “what made them the person they at ” . Some people are just so stinking cool ! I’ve met 70 year old women that single handedly built their own house, who carry their own water and chop their own wood. I’ve met women who, lecture all over the world. Amazing women that defined not only their world but helped to shape the world of the lives they encountered. With some women its supporting their families so they can excel in school, work and their passions. I’ve met men who have worked a zillion hours a week to provide for those entrusted to them, fought in wars to protect our freedom and never ask for a thing in return. I could go on all night about the full spectrum of the amazing individuals that have helped color my life and spur my passion. So many of them I just want to give back to just a tiny bit of what they have given. Others I want to sit at their feet and learn from. What experiences made them who they are ? Being 50 years old living in a tiny house with my little boy with autism is showing me a lot about who I am especially in the dating world. Now mind you I have yet to go on a date, at the time being I’m really just considering it. Really their are a lot of things about me that would not be your everyday guys cup of tea. I have found that there are some things about me that are just not flexible, my faith, my son, my values…in thinking about that at first it made me feel a bit sad…that I’m just going to be the old maid living in her tiny house… but then after some reflection I realized that my faith, my son and values are not my weakness but my strength that protect me from those who’s motives may not be pure or reasons that may be selfish, they have shaped me into the person I am today. Upon thinking about things that way they make me feel safe in knowing the man who embraces those things in my life does the same in his own and would except no less. I’m pretty excited at the prospect of meeting someone like that but if I don’t I feel good for not settling for less and will be happy being the old maid in the tiny house. One day someone might come along and wonder how I became the person I am, I only hope that I can inspire them the way I’ve been inspired.
Good Night Folks !! ❤